Two Are Better Than One

My inspiration to write comes from hearing people.  

I heard a friend say with disappointment the other day, "My husband always talks about living his dream but he never moves his feet."  

I could probably sit down and tell this woman how she holds the power to her husband's future but she will likely always blame him for being mediocre having removed herself from the equation.  She will listen to his sad stories and let it be a reminder of what a looser she married.  

Truth be told, us wives are placed on this earth to fulfill a purpose.  To be a help meet to our husbands.  Some women will reject God's word by never embracing this position because it is too degrading in our minds to be in this kind of subordinate position.  Then there will be some who convince themselves that they are living this role even when they aren't.  Some of us have willing hearts but will never quite understand what it looks like.  The truth about being a help meet is that if God said it, He meant it.  

"And the Lord God said it is not good that the man should be alone, I will make him an help meet for him"  Genesis 2:18

Here is my question to you, help meet.  How are you helping your husband get to his goals in life?

Let's look at the following scenarios: 

I know a woman from the city.  Her husband's dream is to have a ranch.  Her dream is to have a house in the city with a little yard and a career.  She really doesn't like the outdoors.  A ranch is not her dream in life and she believes if she follows his dreams, she will be unhappy.  She thinks turning in her high heels for a 4x4 truck and dirt roads spells disaster.  She wonders if she married the wrong man.  She feels unhappy in her marriage and thinks if she can just find some personal happiness in life, she can make it through.  Her husband talks about his ranch dream to her and as she listens, she examines a looser who will always complain about his 9-5 never moving his feet.  She will see an incompetent man wasting his money on man toys to keep himself happy.  After feeling much rejection and disappointment, he just stops sharing his thoughts with her. She believes he doesn't have what it takes to run a ranch.  Maybe she would have more confidence in him if he would show her something to make her believe in him.  He believes if he pursued his ranch dream, he would have to drag her along complaining all the way.  He wonders if his dream was stupid to begin with. He finds a hobby away from her keeping himself entertained in the meantime blowing his money on man toys to give himself a little temporary happiness.  He has no real dream for the future anymore just living day by day. He wonders if he married the wrong woman because they are not alike. He can't explain the dissatisfaction he feels in life and he doesn't know how to fix it.  She can't explain the dissatisfaction she feels in life.  

Let's examine this:

I know a woman from the city.  Her husband's dream is to have a ranch.  Her dream is to have a house in the city with a little yard and a career because she really doesn't like the outdoors.  A ranch is not her dream in life but she wants to obey God's word.  She knows he can't do it on his own because he has a full time job where he is overworked.  She listens to him complain about his job and talk about his dreams and wonders how she can help him get to his full potential in life.  The two different dreams can't exist together so she decides to surrender her high heels and her dreams of a clean fancy car for dirt roads and a 4x4 truck.  But she doesn't stop there.  She wonders why this type of life would appeal to him.  She reads books and learns about animals, farming, and gardening.  As her knowledge grows, she begins to realize there is wisdom in her husband's dreams.  She no longer feels like a martyr. She pursues volunteering herself and her kids helping on farms to get hands on experience.  She plans and talks to him about the things she's learned and gives him ideas.  As he looks around, he sees his biggest cheerleader and a ranch hand team formed.  All he needs now is the ranch.  He begins to realize that his dreams are attainable because he has a capable helpmeet.  So he works hard to save his money to get that ranch, no longer wasting it on man toys to keep him happy because he can see his goal in sight.  

She always thought that reaching her dreams would make her happy.  But she obeyed God's word anyway despite herself and He proved to be right all along.  She has access to her husbands innermost thoughts which she has longed for always.  They are a team of one.  She is happy and fulfilled.  That career she wanted does not compare to the gratification in life she has now.    

Who would've thunk it?               

Molding Him Into Your Own Image

Can we justify walking out on our husbands because we have judged their spiritual condition?  Or can a mere man accurately judge a man's heart?  

I don't come to you professing to be wise but only hoping to share the love that saved my marriage.  

How many times do we-as women-take a good long look at our husbands and decide we need to change them?  We have ideas of what we would like them to be and we work towards "helping" them to become better.  We constantly look for a sign of good works that proves they are spiritually in good condition.  If they don't, we fear they are slipping away from God.  

We developed ideas of how a Godly man is supposed to look.  Most of them from conversations of fellow church wives boasting of their husbands good deeds.  How many times have we heard Susie or Sally say, "my husband and I do devotions and pray together every night."  The thought begins to creep up in your mind, 'My husband doesn't pray with me.  He doesn't read the Bible with me.  He doesn't do the things Susie and Sally say.  My husband must be in spiritual grave danger.'.

The first thing we do is begin to ask, "Can we do Bible study on Monday's?"  By your suggestions, he begins to conform to the image you have in your mind of corporate study in the home. When he fails to report on Monday night because he had to work late, you begin to fret and worry that he doesn't have concern for the family, you, or God.  And so the pushing and the molding continues until he is being choked into your own image.  What will that kind of religion do for your husband?    

All of this came from an idea of what Susie and Sally say their husbands are like.  Do we not know that the Bible warns us about this very thing?  "For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves; but they-measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, -ARE NOT WISE" II Cor 10:12

The adage is true: "Expectations will ruin a marriage."  

What does the Bible say?  And if they (wives) will learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church." I Cor 14:35   Have you considered the literal and practical application of this passage or have you been wooed by the deceit of  some theological explanation?  Do you go to your girlfriends or women's Bible studies to get your Bible questions answered? Maybe the internet?  Or have you ever considered asking your husband what something means from the Bible?   It might look like this, "Hey honey, I was reading in Romans chapter 1 and I don't get this part.  What do you think it means?"  If you have never considered this because you think your husband isn't spiritual enough or is ignorant-then today is the day to turn it around.  God is pretty clear on this. Consider the weight of the responsibility to obey this scripture and the protection God provides to you because of it.   

We know that Jesus taught us not to broadcast our good deeds.  "But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth; That thine alms may be in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly." Matthew 6:3-4  

Could it be true that your husband doesn't declare his daily good deeds to you?  

Does he not pray with you?  Consider the words of Jesus: "But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly." Matthew 6;6

Could he be obeying this scripture?  

Could we take a moment to consider that if we are sitting in this seat of judgment towards our husband, we could be on God's indictment sheet as self righteous?  

The truth is that: "the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance." (Romans 2:4) We have never had the job of being our husband's conscience.  And we know that the goodness of God is the only thing that changes people. Are you an extension to your husband of God's goodness?  Or are you an overbearing presence? 

We know that we are not justified by God according to our own works. 

Did God ask us to follow the law before we can receive salvation and grace from Him? No.  He died to save us because we didn't keep it.   

So who would we be to judge our husbands by their works and not their faith in God?  Does even God do that?   "For if Abraham were justified by works, he hath whereof to glory; but not before God. For what saith the scripture? Abraham believed God, and it was counted unto him for righteousness. Now to him that worketh is the reward not reckoned of grace, but of debt.  But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justified the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness."  Romans 4:2-5  

What changed my life-and ultimately my marriage-was God's goodness extended to me on display in my husband.  And what did he do?  He extended goodness to me when I didn't deserve it.  When I was cheating-he didn't condemn or blame me.  He took the blame for my actions.  He didn't ask for me to show a change through my works, he loved me right where I was. His goodness brought me to repentance before him and ultimately before God.  

Isn't that what Jesus did for us?  

"But this shall be the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; After those days saith the Lord, I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people." Jeremiah 31:33

Going With The Flow

"As practice enables the pianist to find the right keys without effort or thought, so a woman who practices discontentment will, without thought, hit the notes of bitterness when her chain is pulled." ~Debi Pearl


As I have said before, My Mom has been divorced 3 times.  My Dad is married to his 3rd wife.  That's a lot of mom and dad figures coming and going from each house over the years.  None of them are still around except the biological parents.  There was a lot of bitter notes being hit in our house on a daily basis growing up. A lot of hurt lingering around.  There is a saying "More is caught than taught"  Trust me, if my parents could have figured out how to unlearn the bitter notes, for their sakes and ours, they would have changed it long ago.  I know they would have loved to teach us how to maintain a good marriage.  Every good parent wants what's best for their child.  
 
Some of us ladies would like to learn from our parents how to be good wives.  And we do.  Some have the joy of being able to call up their mom and get good Godly advice. Some do not.  But all of us can learn something from our parents whatever end of the spectrum they are on. It's not always the conventional way of gaining good advice.  For some of us, it's the unconventional way of learning from their mistakes.

As I get older, the frayed image of my Dad is now being remolded into something of worth.  My relationship with my mother has taken a new turn.  Things are looking up as unforgiveness creeps out and forgiveness bursts through like a ray of sunshine.

I like to interview my Dad.  The moment I realized I was like my Mother, I wanted to know the things he would have changed about her. Not for me to build up bitterness against my mom, but for me to learn how to be a better wife.

One of his biggest complaints was the she was not a "go-with-the-flow-kinda-gal".  Oh man, do we all ever suffer with this condition!

So listen before I go on I want to give a disclosure.  I want to give practical advice here but I also want to make clear that just as my parents struggled and never succeeded, my marriage could have very well turned out that way.  If practicing the right notes could be easily done, all would do it.  Maybe I am boasting but I boast not about myself or my own strength but Gods's strength that changed me.  Why did God save my marriage and not my parents?  I will never know.  But I am forever grateful.  It's not that I haven't put any effort into this, it's been a hard road for me to see my ugly.  I am convinced that God can work through people who have a willingness to see their faults and an eagerness to change it.  

Back to the go with the flow.  It's all about keeping a harmony. A long time ago I was talking to a friend who was arguing with her husband.  And a lightbulb went off.  There is a proverb that says, "The beginning of strife is like the letting out of water, so leave off the contention before it begins." (I am paraphrasing because I do not remember word for word)  I looked up the meaning of strife and contention for my friend.  Strife means contention or competition between two rivals.  Contention means a striving to win a competition.  I thought to myself, 'self.  my husband isn't my rival.  and I don't want to compete with him.  he's on my team'.  Dominance and control are always masculine characteristics.  I don't want to be the man or a man for that matter.  The letting out of water is truth.  Once you start, you can't undo what's done.  You can't take back the way you made them feel.  You can't take back the words that have been said.  I decided at that moment to lay down the arguments.  In order to do this, you have to adopt the go-with-the-flow-attitude. This doesn't mean you are a voiceless prude but more a strong confident, hardworking, easy going person.  

I asked my Dad, "tell me a for instance with Mom."  He said (paraphrasing), "Well, I would come home and lay something on the table and she would gripe that I laid something on the table. It was a state of constant unhappiness."  I immediately identified.  I pictured in my mind that mom had just cleaned the table off and Dad came in and unloaded his dirty pockets on the table.  I saw both sides.  But the bigger picture was that it didn't matter.  And all these "instances"  built up within my Dad and my Mom.  If you think your "tiny bickering" means nothing, you are fooled.  It means everything.  If you aren't willing to lay down the little things, how will you ever lay down the big things?  And if you can't lay things down to your spouse, how will you ever lay that down to God?

I have learned that marriage is a refining process.  Each one is challenging the other to see their faults and be a better person.  The only way to get your spouse to see their faults is to yield to their faults in love.  But the only way to yield to their faults in love is when their faults don't matter anymore.  And when it does't matter anymore,  love has conquered. By the end, you realize it never mattered in the beginning. Just like how it was when you were dating?  Love comes full circle in the end. It's just like Soloman says in Ecclesiastes "Vanity and vexation of spirit"  

Lesson to be learned is to fall in love with your spouse and laugh at their faults. Practice the happy notes.  Be a go-with-the-flow-kinda-gal. Watch your marriage be transformed.      



  

Love What He Loves

I had this idea of writing this blog in step order.  That's not really turning out the way I planned so I am just going to write as it comes!

My husband and I were watching Alaska's Last Frontier. If you've never seen it, I'll brief you.  It's about a family who lives off their land.  The twist: It's in Alaska where it is frozen about 8 months of the year. That gives them 4 months to complete a years worth of work just to beat the freeze. These people have no steady jobs or steady income.  

There is a certain couple, Eve and Eivin, that do not have running water in the home.  Eve is pregnant and tends to the animals, grows crops, fetches water for their household, and does any misc chores to help her husband.  Since the little arrival is coming soon, Eivin decides to install running water into the home.  During the dig, Eivin damages the outhouse by accidentally hitting it with the excavator.

The situation in Alaska is already stressful due to the time crunch.  Every minute the sun is up, they are working non stop to complete tasks.  So you can imagine the destruction of an outhouse adds more work and pressure onto an already exhausted man.

Eve reacts without scorn saying "Oh no, Eivin, what did you do?  Oh no, that's not good."  Immediately she suggests building a new outhouse since that one was rotting anyway.  He dismisses the idea and suggests repair. With all the work to do, he just doesn't have time to build a new outhouse.  So she accepts saying, "Oh well, we'll just poo in the woods for now."  Her response gave him much joy because he immediately said, "You want a new outhouse?  I'll give you a new outhouse!" and begins to smash and destroy the old outhouse with the excavator. The look on his face is that of a little boys while he's pummeling this outhouse! She stands in the background laughing joyfully and saying, "Wow, that looks like fun".  In her interview about the outhouse incident she's calm, sweet, and forgiving.  She said something to the tune of " I guess we can just go into the woods for now.  It's just the way it goes living out here."

My husband smiles and says, "Now, that's a good woman!"

Not many people are given the crown of a good woman by my husband.  He had my attention so I responded with something like "Tell me more."  I wasn't blind, I could see the obvious; but I wanted to learn from him.  So he says unquote, "A good woman will poop in the woods for her husband."

Click this link to watch outhouse clip.


Do you think that's the first time her husband was careless or made an irresponsible mistake?  If you've seen the show, you would know that life on their Homestead is about making mistakes and learning from them.  The family will starve if he fails on his hunt...which happens more times than not.  But yet, she took his mistake with patience and grace, as if it were his first one.

Eve was given the crown of a good woman by my husband.  Why?  Despite his flaws, love triumphed. She was willing to sacrifice joyfully to take the pressure off her husband.  But it went far beyond a willingness, there was a joy in it. The laughter and fun caused a bad situation to be a growth in their marriage. Whatever was stressing him or causing him stress, stressed her too.  She laughed when he laughed.  She loved what he loved.  She has found her life in him.  Rain, freeze, snow, ice, whatever, she is his woman.

Marriage goes far beyond just a willingness.  Its' a one-ness.  One-ness of goals.  One-ness of heart.  One-ness of interests. It's an illustration of our faith commitment to Jesus Christ.  God uses marriage as a comparison to our relationship with him all throughout the Bible.  The more I grasp my marriage, the more I begin understand what God wants of me.  For my marriage and in my relationship with Him.

Here's a good Proverbs riddle that the wise woman should understand:  "The beginning of strife (strife=contention for superiority) is as when one letteth out water; therefore leave off contention (contention=struggle between opponents) before it be meddled with."

Ladies, why do we oppose our husbands and disrespect them as if they were on another team? Why do we turn an otherwise laughable situation into strife?  Could it be our desire to be superior?  Do we point out their flaws to make ourselves great?    



"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husband as unto the Lord, For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing." Eph 5:22



GO EVE! May we all learn a thing or 2 from her!

Will You Be A Doer?

How do I know I am supposed to make it work with my spouse?

Abide in the same calling. "Let every man abide in the same calling wherin he was called." 1 Cor 7:20   Do you know God is calling you?  God is telling us to stay as you are where he has called you. Are you married?  Have a family?  Here are his instructions:

Who Are You Listening To?

So, you've made the decision to take back your unfaithful spouse.  You've told your friends and family.  I bet their reaction was less than encouraging.

Whether your friends or family be Christian or Non Christian is irrelevant.  If your own Pastor tells you that you are an idiot for taking your spouse back, turn around and walk the other way.  Do not entertain their ideas of marriage.

There is a scripture that is repeated twice that I've found so far.  And if it's repeated twice, it must be pretty important.

What Does Forgiveness Look Like?

This is specific to marriages.

I have heard many women say to me, "I have forgiven him".  Then a day or two later when the spouse has committed yet another offense against them, the same women bring up the same issues with hurt in their voice.  As if it's happening all over again.  

"He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth...."  Proverbs 17:9

Bold and underline that last part of this sentence!!

"He that repeateth a matter separateth...."

If you keep repeating the matter to your spouse, it means you have not forgiven.