What Does Forgiveness Look Like?

This is specific to marriages.

I have heard many women say to me, "I have forgiven him".  Then a day or two later when the spouse has committed yet another offense against them, the same women bring up the same issues with hurt in their voice.  As if it's happening all over again.  

"He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth...."  Proverbs 17:9

Bold and underline that last part of this sentence!!

"He that repeateth a matter separateth...."

If you keep repeating the matter to your spouse, it means you have not forgiven.



Whether you open your mouth to repeat or you relive the scenarios in your head bitterly, it's all the same.  

If you can't forgive, it's typically because you see yourself as having no sin that affects your spouse.  But of course you don't think you do.  The Bible tells us:
"All ways of men are clean in his own eyes; but the Lord weigheth the spirits." Proverbs 16:2


Here's a scenario:

There's a certain man, we'll call him Henry.  Henry comes home from work and lays on the couch.  He looks up at the ceiling and realizes the roof leak is getting worse. "That's right" he thinks, "How could I forget, Martha reminds me everyday."  Then Martha comes in and says, "Henry, that roof leak keeps getting worse and worse, when are you going to get up off that couch and fix it?"  He thinks about how tired his arms are from turning those wrenches all day.  Not to mention his back is hurting still from last week because him and his co-worker picked up that motor since his motor lift went out.  His wife already thinks he's a looser and he doesn't want to remind her even more of how weak he is.  Excuses don't work with Martha anyway because the roof is priority to her.  Instead of telling her how he is physically feeling he says to her once again, "Honey, I will fix it tomorrow."  She says, "Really Henry, you keep saying that over and over again but everyday you come home and you lay down on this couch and do nothing.  You don't even spend time with the kids.  You just put that remote in your hand and flip the channels and watch that garbage. I do everything around here, you want me to fix the roof too?"  The husband stays quiet because he knows that nothing will appease her.  He remembers the last time he tried to help bathe the kids but Martha just nagged that he wasn't conditioning his daughter's hair right.  He didn't try to ask for help because he knows how stupid she thinks he is. He would help with dishes except that last time he did, he put the cast iron skillet into the dishwasher and ruined it. He can't do anything right for her.  He just feels like giving up.

Let me tell you what the Bible says about this kind of woman:
"It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman." Proverbs 21:19

 A wilderness is a scary, desolate place that is lonely.  The Bible says it's better to be lost and lonely than to live with her.  Proverbs 25:24 says it's better to live in a roof top than in a big house with this brawling woman. Proverbs 27:15 say to restrain this type of woman is to restrain the wind.  Pretty hopeless.

Martha doesn't understand why he doesn't help or even how he's feeling because they haven't had a decent conversation in a while.  He's a lazy man to her.  He doesn't even know how to take care of kids.  Every time he attempts to do something, he just messes it up anyway. She debates if she married the wrong man.

Let me tell you Martha, if you are debating that you married the wrong man, it is guaranteed he is feeling the same.

I have had a friend say to me, "I nag at him BUT I nag because...."

If you are like Martha, WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS WRONG!  You don't have to believe me, the Bible is what tells you this.

Henry could tell Martha she nags, but she will just get upset and point out what he does wrong.
Let me promise you something.  Okay, I don't promise, but if I promised, this would be one of those times. Your spouse knows your sin better than you do.  Why?  "All ways of men are clean in his own eyes;" We are blind to our sins and marriage is God's little refinement process on earth. So when your spouse suggests or mentions a flaw or a sin, it would be to your advantage to investigate their suggestions.

So how do we begin to forgive?  Acknowledge that you have sin that affects your marriage.

If you don't know how to do this, it's okay.  The first step is to investigate.  Start with the first thing your spouse has been accusing you of.  Start with the big issues and work your way down to small.  I can almost guarantee you that they will be right.

Second step: "Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established." Proverbs 16:3 Commit yourself to doing what's right, and then do it.  

This came from my second graders homeschool book, "My Goals.  To know that God changes things through others."

God can and will use you to restore your marriage.  Will you commit yourself?
There is hope.