Forgiveness

I keep posting about adultery because I can tell you first hand, it's one of the hardest sin in a marriage to forgive.  To understand it will help one to forgive the spouse who has wronged them.

So should we be offended?

"But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding; he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul." Proverbs 6:32

Again, Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, describes the adulterer as a person who destroys their own soul. Who does adultery effect the most?

In this same passage from above he compares the adulterer to a person who has a physical need.  A person who is hungry and in need of food.  A person who steals food to satisfy their hunger.

"For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adultress will hunt for the precious life....Men do not despise a thief, if he steal to satisfy his soul when he is hungry; But if he be found, he shall restore sevenfold; he shall give all the substance of his house."



In the above passage, it is describing a person who steals to eat.  He is saying that people aren't angry at a person who steals to satisfy their hunger.  But when that person is caught, he's going to pay 7 times more than what he stole.  He will loose what he has.

Let's continue into the next sentences.

"But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding; he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. A wound and dishonor shall he get (adulterer) ; and his reproach shall not be wiped away. For jealousy is the rage of a man; therefore he will not spare in the day of vengeance. He will not regard any ransom; neither will he rest content, though thou givest many gifts." 

Here's how he compares the two. There is sympathy for the man who steals to survive, though he will pay for his sin, he will not be despised.  But people will not have sympathy on a man who steals to satisfy his carnal hunger for sex. The adulterer thief can not pay this back with monetaries. The other man's jealousy is so great that it can not be repaid.   Though the thief gives gifts and try to make ammends with the jealous husband, this can't be repaid. There is no payment that will satisfy.

Is there significance in why Solomon chose to compare a mans hunger for sex to his hunger for food? Yes.
A man's hunger for sex is not like a woman's.  He compares eating and sexual desire because they are both an equal driving force for for men. Women have to understand this.
But he is warning the person who commits this crime of satisfying his sexual hungry that the results will not the be the same as the person who steals for food.  Not because we should not be forgiving, but because that's the way it is. This passage is a man teaching his son the way of the world. We know this because the beginning of the chapters start out with "My son" He is warning him again against committing this crime.

Is it okay that you are angry at your spouse for committing adultery?  Absolutely. It is wrong wrong wrong.  
The Bible clearly warns this person who commits this crime, will not be able to repay. "His reproach shall not be wiped away"  Not because it shouldn't be forgiven.  We know that God asks us to forgive like he does.  "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any; even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye" Colossians 3:13 
The writer Solomon, is simply stating that when jealousy is involved, it's a whole different ball game.

So do I have a part in my husbands sin?

Let me tell you a story that brought light into my life.  This is more of the grey I have been explaining.

So the night my husband didn't answer his phone or come home, I knew exactly where to find him.  He was a creature of habit.  So I drove over to the place where I knew he would be.  In the wee hours of the morning, I knocked on the door.  The face that answered the door was not a resident of this home but was a familiar face.  A friend who happened to be family member of the residents.  This family member usually did not sleep over.  I knew this woman fairly well.  Our daughter had actually stayed the night at her house once. The look on her face told what she had done with my husband that night.

To my surprise, I never expected this person.  I was absolutely appalled. Not that I am a thin woman, but this woman was heavy compared to me.  She was not in the least bit a person I would expect my husband to be attracted to.  She had 5 kids and wasn't considered to be a fun person at all.  I had the unfortunate advantage of knowing this person.  The one thing I knew about her was that she was a good listener.  The one thing I knew that I had heard for the past four years from my husband was that I "never listened" to him.  I would always respond, "What do you mean I am not listening to you?  I am sitting her listening to you tell me that I am not listening to you."  But I didn't get the depth of what he was saying.  He needed someone to not just physically hear with their ears but to be "swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath."  This problem caused a lack of intimacy.  Which also affected our sex life. All the while we were drifting apart.  I thought this was a normal part of realtionships where you just get bored.  My husband had been needing someone to share his life with who listened and understood.  An intimacy I didn't give him. You couldn't have told me at the time that I wasn't this woman, obviously, as I stated by my response to him. I thought this was the "5 year itch" people talked about.  I was in complete denial.  But because I couldn't see my sin or even my part of responsibility in this, I couldn't forgive him.  I left him that day.  Packed my stuff and moved on.

Did he cross the imaginary line?  Yes

Was he in physical need as described above?  Yes.  4 years is a long time to go without his greatest need of a listener and an intimate spouse.  I'd say, he did pretty good for being the young man void of understanding that the bible speaks about in the last blog.

So how did I come to forgive him?

First thing he could have done is come to me with the knowledge he had of my affair.  But he didn't.  The night he changed, he took the blame for everything.  He realized the grey in his responsibility.  He did not accuse me for my actions but yet took the blame for everything.  He begged me to come home and didn't require one thing of me but to walk back over that imaginary line...the threshold of the door of our home.  I blamed him and he responded, "You're right.  I was a piece of trash."  No excuses, no justifications.  Just took the blame and prayed for me.

Something in me started to reason as I bashed him and he didn't bash me back.  I realized the man I chose was not attractive and not even close to my age. There was nothing about him that I would have chosen.  Similar to my husband, I didn't go looking for him.  He was just there that day.  Much like him, we both crossed the path of the harlot spoken of in the scriptures above.  Just like the young man who was void of understanding. The grey he had seen was starting to shine a light in my life.  We were both to blame but one had to take the blame first.  He gained understanding before I did.  The reality hit me, "Oh God, I am a horrible person."  That's when I knew I needed God.

So how could I not forgive him?  Knowing now that I withheld his greatest need.  He seemed to be a saint to me for making it those 4 years of hell I put him through.

If you believe you have no part in your spouses cheating, then you are in denial just like I was.
And trust me, those same problems you had with your spouse, you will take to your new marriage.  Whether you know they are even there, hidden or unhidden, they will follow you.
Unless I see my faults of being a void of listening spouse, I will do the same to the next man. Then I will blame him and not accept responsibility.  Taking no responsibility will cause me to continue blaming him.  In blaming him, I stay a victim. The divorce cycle continues.    

Have you ever heard anyone say, "She keeps marrying the same types of men?"  Could it be that history repeats itself and the same actions are repeating?

I can't speak for God but I can only believe this is the reason God tells us "to the married I command, not I, but the Lord, let not the wife depart from her husband; but if she depart let her remained unmarried or be reconciled to her husband." 1 Corinthians 7:10-11

Could God be making the most profound statement here?  I know so.

When a woman comes to me and says, "I was wrong BUT...."  That "but" tells me they are not on the road to reconciliation.  Why?  Because once you see your faults, you gain understanding.  When you gain understanding, you forgive.

My husband gained understanding that Wendesday night and he forgave.  He tossed it in the sea never to be held against me again.  I could NEVER understand God's love until I saw it in my husband.

I want to get to the good part. There is hope for you if you don't see your faults.  God says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally; and upbraideth (to suggest blame for anything) not, and it shall be given unto him." James 1:5

If you are praying for God to change your spouse, then you've started with the wrong prayer.  Let your prayer be today for God to fix you.