Where It All Began

When I met my husband, I was 14 years old in junior high.  It was the summer of 8th grade.

He wasn't my first boyfriend but the first boy I truly loved.

I think my mother was approaching her 3rd marriage when I met him.  My mom and I didn't talk about the birds and bees, marriage, or love.  She was from a different generation where family secrets were normal.  Some things you just didn't talk about. I learned about sex in the upstairs room of my house at the tender age of 12 from my older friend Danielle Bannister.  My dad left when I was young.  I had another man raise me up until he left mom, then he left us girls.  Whether my mom taught us to see relationships as black or
white doesn't matter because that was my view from what I had learned.  I believed that there were really good men out there and really bad men.  There was no grey.

Watching my mother's marriages, I studied and learned that each had an invisible line one should never cross.  If a man became an alcoholic or committed adultery he was outta there. It was like a zero tolerance policy.  My mom is not odd, I learned, as I grew older.  These are pretty normal lines for most marriages.

So when I found out at age 15 after loosing the baby that my first love was romancing another girl, I walked away.

He went on to marry a different girl.  I found him years later and he left his wife to be with me. He seemed to be the ideal man. He opened the doors for me.  Bought me flowers. The first 2 weeks of our relationship, he sat by my side in the hospital.  He took care of me.  We had a baby together and he was at every doctors appointment.  I thought he was a good man.

But he proved to be otherwise in my black and white world as time went on.  

He wasn't even close to the man I dreamed of for a husband.  He began to drink more and more.  Leaving me to take care of our daughter. Friends would come over and I would be the designated babysitter for all the kids while everyone was out partying.  One night, he was so intoxicated that I woke up to him puking in his mouth.  I sat him up so he wouldn't choke and die. He was drinking and driving.  It was like raising another kid.  As he offended me with his selfish actions and his less than honorable role model as a father, I began to dislike him.

I couldn't believe I had ended up in the same relationships like my mom. I knew where this was heading. As the hurt piled up, I was able to find comfort in friends.  I contemplated leaving him several times.  I needed sound advice so I turned to my girlfriends or anyone in a similar situation for guidance.  I found a male friend going through a divorce. He was a person I had daily contact with. I didn't go out looking for him. One day, he kissed me.  And the affair began.

If he would just have been the husband I needed, this wouldn't have happened.

Soon after, I found out that my now husband was cheating on me.  He crossed the line. I had put up with the alcoholism and ridiculousness, but cheating too?
 
So here comes the grey.

Was I right in saying that I would have not been in the situation to cheat if he had just been the husband I needed?  Yes.

Was it all his fault?  No.

So if he cheated, then was I being the wife I was supposed to be? No.

So who's to blame here?  Both.

So when does the cycle of blaming end? It doesn't.

So what's the solution?  Some of us think that we will move on to find the perfect person for us.  But a little dose of reality....those don't exist. Yes, some people have faults more tolerable than others.  But is moving on really a solution?  Does it solve my tendency to attach to other men?  Or his drinking problem?

If you can only see black and white, your marriage will never work. And this blog isn't for you.

This is about one woman with a passionate desire to see failing marriages take a turn for the good. It's my heart reaching to your heart to see the grey areas in your marriage.

Stay tuned.

"And to the married, I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But if she depart let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife."  I Corinthians 7:10-11