Going With The Flow

"As practice enables the pianist to find the right keys without effort or thought, so a woman who practices discontentment will, without thought, hit the notes of bitterness when her chain is pulled." ~Debi Pearl


As I have said before, My Mom has been divorced 3 times.  My Dad is married to his 3rd wife.  That's a lot of mom and dad figures coming and going from each house over the years.  None of them are still around except the biological parents.  There was a lot of bitter notes being hit in our house on a daily basis growing up. A lot of hurt lingering around.  There is a saying "More is caught than taught"  Trust me, if my parents could have figured out how to unlearn the bitter notes, for their sakes and ours, they would have changed it long ago.  I know they would have loved to teach us how to maintain a good marriage.  Every good parent wants what's best for their child.  
 
Some of us ladies would like to learn from our parents how to be good wives.  And we do.  Some have the joy of being able to call up their mom and get good Godly advice. Some do not.  But all of us can learn something from our parents whatever end of the spectrum they are on. It's not always the conventional way of gaining good advice.  For some of us, it's the unconventional way of learning from their mistakes.

As I get older, the frayed image of my Dad is now being remolded into something of worth.  My relationship with my mother has taken a new turn.  Things are looking up as unforgiveness creeps out and forgiveness bursts through like a ray of sunshine.

I like to interview my Dad.  The moment I realized I was like my Mother, I wanted to know the things he would have changed about her. Not for me to build up bitterness against my mom, but for me to learn how to be a better wife.

One of his biggest complaints was the she was not a "go-with-the-flow-kinda-gal".  Oh man, do we all ever suffer with this condition!

So listen before I go on I want to give a disclosure.  I want to give practical advice here but I also want to make clear that just as my parents struggled and never succeeded, my marriage could have very well turned out that way.  If practicing the right notes could be easily done, all would do it.  Maybe I am boasting but I boast not about myself or my own strength but Gods's strength that changed me.  Why did God save my marriage and not my parents?  I will never know.  But I am forever grateful.  It's not that I haven't put any effort into this, it's been a hard road for me to see my ugly.  I am convinced that God can work through people who have a willingness to see their faults and an eagerness to change it.  

Back to the go with the flow.  It's all about keeping a harmony. A long time ago I was talking to a friend who was arguing with her husband.  And a lightbulb went off.  There is a proverb that says, "The beginning of strife is like the letting out of water, so leave off the contention before it begins." (I am paraphrasing because I do not remember word for word)  I looked up the meaning of strife and contention for my friend.  Strife means contention or competition between two rivals.  Contention means a striving to win a competition.  I thought to myself, 'self.  my husband isn't my rival.  and I don't want to compete with him.  he's on my team'.  Dominance and control are always masculine characteristics.  I don't want to be the man or a man for that matter.  The letting out of water is truth.  Once you start, you can't undo what's done.  You can't take back the way you made them feel.  You can't take back the words that have been said.  I decided at that moment to lay down the arguments.  In order to do this, you have to adopt the go-with-the-flow-attitude. This doesn't mean you are a voiceless prude but more a strong confident, hardworking, easy going person.  

I asked my Dad, "tell me a for instance with Mom."  He said (paraphrasing), "Well, I would come home and lay something on the table and she would gripe that I laid something on the table. It was a state of constant unhappiness."  I immediately identified.  I pictured in my mind that mom had just cleaned the table off and Dad came in and unloaded his dirty pockets on the table.  I saw both sides.  But the bigger picture was that it didn't matter.  And all these "instances"  built up within my Dad and my Mom.  If you think your "tiny bickering" means nothing, you are fooled.  It means everything.  If you aren't willing to lay down the little things, how will you ever lay down the big things?  And if you can't lay things down to your spouse, how will you ever lay that down to God?

I have learned that marriage is a refining process.  Each one is challenging the other to see their faults and be a better person.  The only way to get your spouse to see their faults is to yield to their faults in love.  But the only way to yield to their faults in love is when their faults don't matter anymore.  And when it does't matter anymore,  love has conquered. By the end, you realize it never mattered in the beginning. Just like how it was when you were dating?  Love comes full circle in the end. It's just like Soloman says in Ecclesiastes "Vanity and vexation of spirit"  

Lesson to be learned is to fall in love with your spouse and laugh at their faults. Practice the happy notes.  Be a go-with-the-flow-kinda-gal. Watch your marriage be transformed.